After Wednesday's Council meeting, I thought everyone would appreciate a fleck of humor:

Thousand Oaks Parody Publishing presents...

Following a complimentary 12 course meal provided by local developers, a bus load of  citizens — many of whom were visiting Thousand Oaks for the first time — arrived at Council chambers with lavish words of praise for Council members Andy Fix, Dan DelRampo and Dennis Gellato. Kind words for Linda Parks and Ed Masry came from one lone dissenter, a former patient of Camarillo State Hospital.

Andy Fix proposed a bill called "Save The Yucca Mountains." Under the plan, the Federal Government would be granted the right to deposit "all future nuclear waste" anywhere within the boundaries of Dos Vientos Ranch. In exchange, Operating Surgeons would be permitted to build 27 luxury homes "wherever they damn well please."

"It's a complicated deal," said Fix, "involving as many as 50 different developers. But we have the assistance of former Enron CEO Kenneth Lay and I'm confident this is a terrific opportunity for the City of Thousand Oaks."

Fix explained that he was not asking the City Council to approve the "Save The Yucca Mountains" proposal, but simply to "investigate the merits" of dumping nuclear waste in Dos Vientos.

The motion carried 3 to 2.

Andy Fix proposed that the City spend $25,000 to exhume the body of communist witch hunter Roy Cohn. "If we can recover just one cell of DNA," said Fix, "the possibility exists of making a clone of Mr Cohn — henceforth to be called ‘The Cohn Clone.'" This "Cohn Clone," said Fix, would then reopen Senate investigations in order to censure Linda Parks as a card-carrying communist.

Amending Fix's motion, Dan DelRampo proposed that the City spend an additional $25,000 to investigate the possibility of reopening the Salem Witch Trials.

Upon reflection, Fix moved to amend his own proposal by moving that Linda Parks be summarily censured prior to any investigation. "That way," explained Fix, "we'll guarantee that no potential communist goes unpunished."

The twice-amended motion carried 3 to 2.

Dennis Gellato announced for the record that he recently received a Learner's Permit and will soon be taking driving lessons. "I'm tired of having Andy and Danny drive around all the time with me stuck in the back seat. I'd like to be in the driver's seat for a change!"

Hearing that Andy, Danny and Dennis do, in fact, assemble together on a regular basis, Ed Masry moved that "Andy, Danny and Denny" be censured for violations of the Brown Act.

The motion was defeated 3 to 2.

Immediately thereafter, Ed Masry nominated Andy Fix for a Brown Nose Gold Medal for following developer marching orders better than anyone else on the Council. Dan DelRampo vociferously objected, claiming that he was equally entitled to the award.

In a surprise move, Dennis Gellato — acting on his own initiative! — proposed that the award be shared. In a sweeping 5-to-0 vote, identical Brown Nose Gold Medals were awarded to Fix, DelRampo and Gellato.

Andy Fix asked that a "Certificate of Completion" be awarded to Mullen Brothers for having successfully built "zero senior affordable units," as part of the "Save The Western Plateau" agreement. "As everyone knows," explained Fix, "the agreement calls for the building of:

                                                                       "...up to 50 senior units."

"So the way I see it — and I know that even Ed Masry agrees — the builder's only obligation  was to not build more than ‘50 senior affordable units.' Hence, by  building zero senior units they have successfully lived up to their end of the bargain."

Asked for his legal opinion, City Attorney Mark-My-Word! agreed with Mr. Fix.

Ed Masry then suggested that the builders, as a sign of good faith, be required "to at least build one senior unit." Fix, however, outfoxed him, producing a letter signed by Operating Surgeons that stated:

                                 "Asking Operating Surgeons to build even one senior unit would cause
                       undue economic hardship to the company, a pension fund, and its hardworking investors."

Fix's motion carried 3-to-2.

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In a related proceeding, just outside Council Chambers....

Randy Boughtman, running for Ventura County Supervisor, responded publicly to the February 12, 2002 issue of Inside Sporting Goods which stated that BEOUTDOORS.COM, a firm for which Boughtman served as CEO, had recently closed its doors and "still owes several vendors for product shipped prior to its closing." The article further stated that Boughtman "will not return calls placed to his campaign office from vendors." Boughtman explained: "These people were calling to ask me for money; Had they been offering campaign contributions, I surely would have returned their calls."

Prior to publication of the above parody and fiction, the writer consulted with Thousand Oaks law firm, Sellers & Sellers, as to whether the writer and/or publisher had a First Amendment right to present said material. Sellers & Sellers reported as follows: "Having reviewed your submitted material ("The Unofficial Minutes of Next Week's City Council Meeting," written on 2/16/02), we then conducted an exhaustive search of law-related Internet sites. Having discovered the following definition and opinion by Judge Bradley J. Freedman, we believe it to be a controlling authority. Judge Freedman writes:

         "Parody is a humorous form of social commentary and criticism that ...  arises from the contrast between a well-known original and its similar, yet different parodic twin. A parody must imitate the object of its criticism so that the audience recognizes the original and understands the criticism.
 "American courts have held that parodies are protected by the free speech rights protected by the First Amendment to the American Constitution."

"Therefore," concludes Sellers & Sellers, "it is the opinion of this law firm that the writer and/or publisher has NO RIGHT WHATSOEVER to publish said material."

Nonetheless, the writer and publisher of "said material" have decided to publish the above "Parody and Complete Fiction" and take our chances in the court of public opinion.

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The foregoing Parody was written by Joel Saltzman and published here with his permission.